Chapter 3

After the harrowing, near-death experiences at the zoo, I promised my toddler self that I would play it safe and get into extreme sports. Rejecting the society that had began to mold my mind and personality, I spent many hours on top of Little Tykes cars piloted by my sister. As a young lad, I found the greater exposure to the atmosphere refreshing, so much so that I discovered a fond appreciation of philosophy. During one of these childhood romps of the mind, the car on top of which I was riding fell backwards. My sister remained safe, though I was damaged forever.

A set of stitches and a few years later, I began to dive into the interests of physical activity, clearly still suffering from the after effects of the head trauma.

Skipping ahead a few years, my path brought me to little league baseball games, little league soccer games, and little league football games.  After enjoying little league hot dogs with some major league gatorade.  My career in sports would lead to no success.  Football proved not enjoyable, but then the salvation emerged like so many sea monsters from the deep.

There was also the time where I could only see in black and white, with the exception of the color green.  It was kind of like that book some of y’all may have read.  You know, the one with the giving…the giving of color…colour

another time

Chapter 2

[this story continues hours after Mike passed out while retelling the first chapter in his life]

I spent many a day in primary school, learning the colors and numbers that would plague my every waking day at a later age. I began reading at an early age and would read anything my eyes could locate. I was perplexed by the concept of black holes and space/time presented to me by a wonderful book entitled “The Berenstain Bears Discover Astro-Physics”. From there my literary curiosity spread further as I continued to expand my child’s library. I would read all sorts of novels, everything from “Goosebumps” to “A Children’s Guide to The Kennedy Conspiracy.”

I did more than read though. My fascination with worlds that were not my own was discovered unto me upon my reception of a large, gray GameBoy. No wait, my childhood begins with a tape-playing robot called 2-XL. For your enjoyment, I will tell my typist to find and include a picture. I will take this time to medicate myself with a cough syrup.

I return to elaborate more on my tale. I remember one day when I visited the local zoo, bewildered by the animals that I did not come into contact with less than a twenty minutes time span. At any given time…or any given Sunday…or any given July. Anyways, the zoo: I was young enough to play on the playground equipment and feed the animal. I had just taken a cool test in the reptile house…it measures one’s coolness in relation to Coolio.

Let’s just say where we are and go back to the car…we don’t want to be any worry. That’s true. After the zoo, I enjoyed many years of schooling.

NOTE: There are glaring omissions from this chapter of Mike’s life, including, but not limited to, violent interactions with goats in the petting zoo, an event referred to here on after as “The Ice Cream Incident”, and a variety of misdemeanors that gave him a legal record at a young age.

Chapter 1

It was the best of times and the worst of times…at the same time. Then, a mysterious rapper known to most as Ell Ell Coole Jay descendd from the skies…hard. People reeled and were taken aback by the sheer awesomeness of his glory. From his magical memory, Ell Ell brought forth the story to end all stories, mainly because it incorporates every literary world ever created being brought together and then destroyed in a swoop fouler than the most odious flower. Anyways, the story he read was heard to resemble the following:

Michael B. Reynolds II

A Biography

Dictated, but not Read

I didn’t ask for this fame. That’s no lie. My story begins on the rough streets in Columbus, Ohio. No one cares about that though, the real party that is my life has a genesis on the even rougher streets of Powell, Ohio. I spent a good deal of early recreational activity in the woods surrounding the treasure chest that was my house. I learned about metaphors and similes at an early age. My tale is a tale shorter than the line to get into EuroDisney. People have begged me for a long time to set down a few lines. As I sit now, I’m compelled to deny everyone that opportunityand shut the door on this, the beginning chapter. That being said, I will ignite my pencil and throw my life in the gutter.*

*NOTE: Mike was not sitting when this was written, as his biography, that he believes is not an autobiography because someone else is typing it, was dictated. He also did not burn his pencil. The part about throwing his life away…that’s true.